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Posting an Entry Before This Caffeine High Sends Me Elsewhere [Jan. 28th, 2008|02:31 pm]
[music |Vampire Weekend]

dear livejournal,

i'm so sorry i haven't kept current. it seems to have been a tad beyond a year since we last chatted. although i won't pretend that my exile from you is entirely forgivable, i will attempt to justify my actions byway of how things have mutated.
i have ultimately come to the conclusion that the self-evaluative nature of my internal monologue is a thing to be harnessed and developed, yet kept in check in order to avoid over-thinking and thus selling myself short. the grand irony is that this conclusion was reached through a process of playing the role of amateur psychologist and speculating what would be best for encouraging the sides of myself i'd like to give a chance to come onto their own. nevertheless, i stuck by it and convinced myself that this type of writing works to stifle my day-to-day evaluation of my surroundings and reaction to it.
in my time away, my enjoyment of writing (and taking in the writing of others) has only deepened, but i must confess that online journaling had previously become a creator of thoughts too preoccupied with self-defeating, victimizing drivel. i much appreciated the time to experience growth solely within the creative boundaries of the tangible world and the goals that it presents to me, as opposed to coming back to you, pouring out unfinished thoughts, and forcing them to solidify into something to dwell upon in order to feel what is usually unnecessary and a waste to feel.
more than ever, i know i am a hypersensitive sort of person. one who has difficulty ignoring the urge to experience empathy for those immediate to me. this can only be suppressed through a clouding of the mind i have only reached easily through alcohol, anger, or denial.
i fear that i am becoming too much like my father... i am developing a work-ethic and drive that fills me with both pride and disillusion.

so, livejournal, my grounding seems to have shifted to reality and my thoughts have migrated inward and unfinished. it makes the weight of the hardest days much lighter. after all, i believe the average man has perhaps a fraction of the searching and evaluative thoughts about himself and others that i do. put quite simply, i've been trying something new, and i'm uneasy about returning to this old habit of daily journaling. i hope this message helps you understand.


Andy Irland
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This sums up a lot of whats new [Oct. 24th, 2006|06:53 pm]
[mood |calmcalm]

Lately I've been taking strides towards creating the foundations of my future... and surrounding myself with those I most prefer, who just so happen to be close to my location of study. As I continue to toil for the sake of education, I'm realizing the true scope of what I'm in for in years to come. My personality has become, more than ever, a patchwork of past experiences and acquaintances. I'm beginning to mind the notion of perpetual working less and less, and it scares the hell out of me. As I experience the passing of time and the changing of seasons, I get a feeling like I've seen it all before, like I can almost predict the future. Then I realize that I'm just watching the limitless possibilities of this world speed by as I remain constantly focused on the same handful of personal goals. This predictability simply comes with years spent in a similar routine. Sometimes it feels like the varations that used to give my life flavor are gradually narrowing to an aphex before some earth-shattering event to come. I've concluded that this is part of what growing up is about: working, working, working... but in anticipation of those rare instances where you truly feel alive, and remember why you're glad you exist.
I used to shake to my core with anxieties concerning whether or not I'd be able to overcome the limitations of circumstances in order to make all my yearnings a reality, but now my brain is settling.
I'm learning to calm down, sit back, kick my shoes off, and shrug my shoulders at what I cannot control... because I know that as long as my intentions remain honest and my heart remains willing, I'll turn out fine in the end.
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(no subject) [Aug. 23rd, 2006|10:22 pm]
the time has come to cut my losses and move forward. in so many ways at once its ridiculous.
theres always hope for something better in distance. and i don't even need that anymore.
because what i have already is enough, and i know it now more than ever.

1. turn in checks for new house
2. clean up and exit old house
3. move into the new house
4. buy books, supplies
5. buy nylon string acoustic for guitar class
6. start classes
7. declare major during third week
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fake blood and random calls [Aug. 6th, 2006|04:59 pm]
[mood |contentcollected]
[music |between the buried and me-change]

i've decided that my new life's side project is to become a sly, thieving gentleman bastard like the main character from 'the lies of locke lamora.' i'd go poling up and down canals between cities on slimy barges. living in a world of infinite scandal and misty afternoons, battling mutant sharks, wearing elaborate disguises, and stashing coins in the church basement.

but for real, machine head and cannibal corpse fucking suck. thank god for in flames, black dahlia, as i lay dying, and GWAR. sounds of the underground turned out to be more of a visual spectacle than anything, ironically. bleeding nazi popes and giant dinosaurs. getting soaked by fake blood being pumped out of a cross between a carwash hose and a extremely large dick-gun.

i may vent about certain things while drunk... but in all honesty, things haven't been getting me down much these days. objects on my not-so-distant horizon include the upcoming move, the return of classes, and the abundance of good-at-heart people who just came to have a good time. we'll see if i hear anything about the extra use of minutes on the ol' family shared plan.

then theres NEW YORK. i leave thursday morning. its funny how your chance to get away comes when you feel like you need it the least. in the smug, careless style of steve victorey, i'm leaving you all now to go do some thieving.
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record highs [Jul. 31st, 2006|10:21 am]
[mood |lethargiclethargic]
[music |hopewell]

long time no update. reason: i've been a bit strung out. my general centeredness of mind has been slowly and increasingly giving way to the blurry haze of summer. days blend together. the mind phases out whole activities and conversations. i find myself asking the same question to the same person a few times a minute.
this situation turned out to be nothing like what i've imagined. uncertainty and sporadic doubt outweighs the optimism sometimes, but its plain to see that quality of life has improved. i'm still not sure if this is blind desperation, hidden instinct, or anything i hoped it would be. it is what it is, and i guess i'm just glad to say that i'll be ok with whatever outcome. i'm faced with dueling personalities and constant contridictions, but the more i learn, the more i think i understand. breaking through the exterior would be nice.
thats ok though. i'm more than fine with simply drifting through the heat for awhile longer.
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down and out [Jul. 5th, 2006|11:30 pm]
[mood |recumbentbefore we turn in...]
[music |mewithoutyou- paper hanger]

home again after a long weekend away. a few things have been wearing on me.
spending my days reading orwell's "down and out in paris and london" left me with a sobered attitude toward the poor and homeless. the way the author writes in such a straightforward style regarding such horrors got me to thinking. i thought, does the quiet desperation of our lives really have to be so sentimentally charged? why can't our discomforts and challenges be part of the homeliness of our lives? why curse our problems over and over, knowing that we'll always have our share? why not just take fascination in this great circus... the ignorance clouding all our minds(a man with a mullet sold me a bike for $10 then proceeded to tell me a fabricated story about whites being encouraged to shoot "negros" in l.a.)...

i told my mother i couldn't imagine myself five years in the future without it freaking me out. earlier today, i told my mom's cousin exactly what i wanted to do when i got out of college. your clothes, your attitude, and your speech decode yourself to others. but we all know what we wish to hide, the right disguises to throw up. its about learning to accept the inevitable (a woman of 70-plus years still smoking two packs a day, in front of her protesting grandchildren, knowing she's her family's last link to her generation), knowing that history is doomed to repeat itself (her daughter encourages her kids to over-eat knowing they'll all grow up overweight, the same problem she's struggled with in the past), and not allowing the little things to bring you down over time. its funny how you wait for summer to free your mind, then as soon as the idleness puts a damper on your spirit, you wait for fall to occupy it for you once again.

maybe i should study abroad in england (or elsewhere) while i still have the chance.
before i start to settle down and become even more complacent.
it seems gaining perspective now will be invaluable in the long run.
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(no subject) [Jun. 28th, 2006|04:18 pm]
is there anyone going to that mewithoutyou show tomorrow at the triple rock?
i've boughten a ticket.
although i wouldn't mind going alone, company is always appreciated.
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st. bonivicious [Jun. 21st, 2006|12:37 pm]
[Current Location |front desk]
[music |low]

yesterday was quite adventurous. after biking alone over the scenic stone arc bridge to check out the spaceship known as the new central hennipen county library, i jaunted over towards john roland's to no avail. it was to be expected(the seed has been set), and i was purely in it for the joy ride.
when i finally returned home i learned that narn's car was stolen the night before last because a drunken katie had left the doors unlocked and the keys in the ignition. just more drama i don't need to be a part of. further evidence that we're all drifting apart; even those who used to be best friends. i walked out the door without a word. its become more of an old haunt then a home to me now.
watched munich at seth's, really understanding it for the first time. it set into place the mood of conspiracy and scandal that would permeate the rest of the evening. santana's was good, but not state fair good. maybe i just had a slight problem with splurging during my fast food fast.

then we were picked up. some hardship was to be expected, we got through it with a positive attitude. we drove through foggy cornfields as the slight moonlight and thick fog played with our senses. and the stars were amazing. after re-coordinating and re-fueling, we finally found it. farmer john's house loomed over us, glowing up on a hill in the distance. the lights seemed to come on right away. a shadowed figured paced back and forth in front of the houselights, as if plotting our demise. after an eternity spent getting everyone over the fence (pliers cutting barbed wire and barbed wire puncturing flesh) amidst overwhelming fear and anticipation, we were finally in. but paranoia was our downfall, although it could have saved us from something we would have never saw coming. it did feel like something was swarming in on us. a wary getty and louis returned to the car and drove the perimeter as we waited inside. something spooked them to the point that they drove up like a getaway car frantically calling us out. while in my frenzy of squeezing through the tight gap in the front gate, one of my precious blue plugs dropped onto the cracked cement. i didn't even realize until we were speeding away. damn. its just confirmation that a piece of myself will remain there until we get some answers. a.k.a. gain access to that underground bunker.

did it really make sense to run? were we truly not alone? nike missile base number 4 has shown great potential, and its treasures will remain a mystery until the full moon signals our return.
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shelving [Jun. 20th, 2006|03:41 pm]
[Current Location |cubicle]
[music |nugs.net]

i realized something as i was counting the contents of shelves during my shift today. i became frustrated and disillusioned when facing boxes with mysterious contents that weren't accounted for in my stock list, but became interested when i was eventually told to take inventory of everything, even those containers that haplessly accumulated over time.

maybe this same disillusionment lingers on in life for the same reason. i'd like to be able to recreate every experience from my past at will, seamlessly interweaving them together to consolidate them into tidy little chunks. memory remembered, lesson learned, adjust accordingly. the memories that appear to be out of place and in-congruent with the theme of the times could be relocated to other storage sectors, to serve as examples. maybe that's the whole point of journals... to have a link to the past that we can travel through at will.

my brain's an inventory. sometimes when i'm sitting here, drifting inside myself, i think my surroundings are all too fitting.
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passing grade [Jun. 15th, 2006|03:45 pm]
[Current Location |the cage]
[mood |relievedrelieved]

C's get degrees.

gimme that level 4.
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