|Posting an Entry Before This Caffeine High Sends Me Elsewhere
||[Jan. 28th, 2008|02:31 pm]
i'm so sorry i haven't kept current. it seems to have been a tad beyond a year since we last chatted. although i won't pretend that my exile from you is entirely forgivable, i will attempt to justify my actions byway of how things have mutated.
i have ultimately come to the conclusion that the self-evaluative nature of my internal monologue is a thing to be harnessed and developed, yet kept in check in order to avoid over-thinking and thus selling myself short. the grand irony is that this conclusion was reached through a process of playing the role of amateur psychologist and speculating what would be best for encouraging the sides of myself i'd like to give a chance to come onto their own. nevertheless, i stuck by it and convinced myself that this type of writing works to stifle my day-to-day evaluation of my surroundings and reaction to it.
in my time away, my enjoyment of writing (and taking in the writing of others) has only deepened, but i must confess that online journaling had previously become a creator of thoughts too preoccupied with self-defeating, victimizing drivel. i much appreciated the time to experience growth solely within the creative boundaries of the tangible world and the goals that it presents to me, as opposed to coming back to you, pouring out unfinished thoughts, and forcing them to solidify into something to dwell upon in order to feel what is usually unnecessary and a waste to feel.
more than ever, i know i am a hypersensitive sort of person. one who has difficulty ignoring the urge to experience empathy for those immediate to me. this can only be suppressed through a clouding of the mind i have only reached easily through alcohol, anger, or denial.
i fear that i am becoming too much like my father... i am developing a work-ethic and drive that fills me with both pride and disillusion.
so, livejournal, my grounding seems to have shifted to reality and my thoughts have migrated inward and unfinished. it makes the weight of the hardest days much lighter. after all, i believe the average man has perhaps a fraction of the searching and evaluative thoughts about himself and others that i do. put quite simply, i've been trying something new, and i'm uneasy about returning to this old habit of daily journaling. i hope this message helps you understand.